Life Lessons, ugh

Ever convince yourself you wanted something really badly…only to realize that you’d only felt that way because it was your only option? Sometimes it works out well: you don’t get into your first choice college but suddenly the dorms at your safety school make you forget about everything else.

It’s a really neat way of settling, don’t you think? One mechanism in a sea of coping mechanisms that keep us emotionally safe. (PS – Don’t you just hate the work emotionally?) Another favorite of mine: if I don’t try I can’t fail. I’ve been having the same conversation with quite a few people lately, and it boils down to that point. It’s time to stop putting off life; time to stop waiting for the ideal circumstances, waiting for ‘when’.Why settle for what’s convenient or available?

I had a script writing professor who always said you can’t see a negative. You can’t write what doesn’t happen, only what does. People can’t see that I want to be a writer or I want to learn to bake just about everything or any number of other things I think about doing but don’t. So in this epic time of AFTER, I’m going to try to do those things.

Hold me to it, OK?

after the after

I won’t lie: I’ve been putting off life for the past two months.

The GRE was a big time-suck for the past eight weeks or so, and all the little (and not so little) tasks were put off until AFTER. “AFTER the GRE I’ll start playing piano again.” AFTER became this sort of mythical time period that I am now sort of living in, since I took the GRE last Wednesday. Only, AFTER sort of stretched out to include AFTER my birthday. Which it now is. Oy. Nothing like accountability to ruin your day.

Things I said I’d do AFTER:

-start grad school applications

-return to the gym

-finish unpacking  (most of my life is still in the horrible, spidery basement)

-laundry

-stop eating everything within arm’s length

-get back to writing

-whiten my teeth

-grocery shopping

-start any number of craft projects/hobbies that I think would be good for me

life goes on

What I did not expect about today was for the crank that lowers the coffin to be so noisy. It ticked occasionally and squeaked and my dad could not resist leaning over: “Needs some WD40.” I did not expect the coffin to be lowered at all while we were still there, but it was part of the ceremony and then people were asked to throw shovels of dirt in the grave.

Granted, I haven’t been to a funeral in several years, but I was sure I’d never seen this before, accept maybe in the movies, where I think they cut between starting to lower the coffin and the dirt part, as the lowering took quite a bit longer than expected as we all stood there silently watching. The cemetery workers were sweating, a little, when they finished, which for whatever reason was really awful to see. And the dirt sounded like it fell on metal when it hit the coffin and I thought, Oh no, is Aunt Minnie down there in an aluminum coffin? I figured they were all made of wood, but hers was silver so I guess I should have guessed?

I didn’t expect it to be so sunny, or to be so upset by the whole thing, or to be so hungry. My stomach was rumbling loud enough to wake the…you know. Bad joke.

Jo-sbius designs?

One of my favorite episodes of How I Met Your Mother is on…the one where Ted starts Mosbius Designs and hires an assistant but doesn’t actually call any clients. At the end of the episode Robin tells him to get his butt moving and he says:

“The longer I put off starting my own firm the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at it. It’s like I’m giving up before I’ve even started.”

And that’s probably my favorite thing Ted has ever said on that show. Not that I want to start my own architectural firm, I just feel that way about a lot of the bigger dreams I have in my life. Especially writing a book. I always say I want to be a writer but I can’t make that happen unless I actually, you know…write.

self-diagnosis

Lifetime Movie Network (thank you, ’society today’ for the existence of this cable channel) is having a chick flick movie marathon intended to help you answer the questions “Which girl were you?” AKA Which stereotype from a movie do you secretly identify yourself with even though you are much to liberated to identify with stereotypes?

As it turns out, I’m the girl who watches chick movie marathons instead of studying for the GRE. But seriously, how could I turn down Drive Me Crazy followed by Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Also, can’t wait for Alexis Bledel’s new movie Post Grad, which may actually be my Which Girl Were You identity.

so lazy

I just ate pie straight from the pie plate. I wish it could say it’s been “one of those weeks” but it hasn’t, clearly, because it’s only Monday. And the most taxing thing I’ve done today is shower between West Wing reruns and a  Joan of Arcadia marathon. Also the walk to the fridge for the pie was pretty tiring.

I think I need a hobby (have I said this before?). Maybe I’ll start making quilts.

better than I could say it myself

New York, I Love You
But you’re bringing me down

New York, I Love You
But you’re bringing me down

Like a rat in a cage
Pulling minimum wage

New York, I Love You
But you’re bringing me down

about to subscribe to Super Tween magazine or something

This is embarassing, but I’m going to admit it.

I heart Robert Pattinson. I do. Sure, he looks kind of unwashed most of the time, and he does make weird faces sometimes, but despite all that, I find him to be super hot. I just saw that he’s filming in New York, and I am more than a little tempted to go downtown and stalk the set. But I won’t. Because I am more mature than that. Maybe.

ps I also recently set my DVR to record every rerun of Gilmore Girls on TV, and I’m loving it. And remembering how much I like Sam Philips.

contents will self-destruct in…

Emlocke did it, then Heather from Singing With My Heart (which I just recently started reading and dig), and since I don’t have anything interesting to write about, I figured I’d copycat.

My bag and it’s contents:

I bought this bag last August as a present to myself when I got my driver’s license.

Orbit gum
5 bobby pins
3 pens
Work pass
Coconut body lotion (from a winter survival kit sent from a friend)
LG Chocolate phone (red)
iPod in a case that’s too big for it
Pharmacy in a bag
Tissues
Planner (rarely used)
Powder compact (used only for mirror)
Assorted lip balms/glosses
Citrus hand lotion (also from winter kit)
Assorted cards (library, Starbucks, etc)
Keys (NY apartment, PA home, GW Men’s basketball schedule from ‘05-’06)
Wallet
Sunglasses in case

I should admit that there are usually crumpled receipts in there, but I cleaned up for you.

now with sparkles

Summer approaches, and once again I find myself unprepared. I finally bought a bathing suit, and promised myself I’d wake up every morning and do pilates to tone my core. Instead, when my early alarm goes off I wake up, check the weather, decide it’s too cold to be awake, and go back to bed until my real alarm.

I could deal with the squishy middle, if it weren’t bookended by pasty extremities. It’s not my fault I’m so pale, it’s in my genetics. I’m mostly Russian (Motherland!) and I’m pretty sure they don’t even have the sun there. Add some Polish and Irish and you get lovely blonde hair and pasty white skin. Sadface. So lately I’ve been using one of those moisturizers that’s supposed to make you gradually tan, only the brand I used smelled awful, so I switched today. But I just noticed that I’m sparkly all over. White and sparkly. And I can’t help think of Jezebel’s coverage of all things Twilight, wherein they refer to Edward as a sparkly vampire.

Here’s hoping no once notices my circa-1996 skin.