One step away from Hogwarts

Last night found me waiting 20 minutes for a bus that’s supposed to come every 10. I had just finished texting Kristy (‘Still waiting for the stupid bus’) when I looked up and there, out of nowhere, was the bus. I swear, it was my very own Knight Bus: just text and it arrives.

from a distance

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard

I recently watched almost every episode of One Tree Hill. I had never watched but then I saw a rerun over the summer and then new episodes started and you know how it goes. Sucked in. Helpless against the pull of overly dramatic attractive people. One thing I noticed, having watched 5 seasons in a short amount of time, is how cyclical that show is. It seems like at least once every season, Brooke and/or Peyton betray each other’s friendships and end up saying the following: “Do you ever think we’ll be friends again? Like before?” To which the other responds: “I don’t know.” But they always are. And then Nathan and/or Haley act out of character and one of them says to the other “You just aren’t the person I thought you were.”

Why don’t they notice? This has always bothered me. Why doesn’t Harry Potter notice that around the end of the year EVERY YEAR he faces off against some villain. It’s like they have no self-awareness whatsoever, despite the fact that most TV characters seem to spend hours contemplating their navels. But I have to wonder if I’m the same way. Are there patterns in my life playing out every few years or so that I just don’t notice? Why is it that we are able discern in the lives of others things we never notice about ourselves? This must be the kind of thing that keeps therapists (like mis padres) in business. It’s not the crazy that people go to therapy for, it’s the perspective.

everything but the

I pass this high-rise apartment building every morning on my way to work, and like most buildings in the city, there is always a huge mound of garbage on the sidewalk in front of it. This week’s mound out does itself, piled almost as high as I stand (which, granted, is not that high), it full of big black bags and clear bags of recyclables. And there, thrown carelessly in amongst the corpses of christmas trees, was a kitchen sink.

less of me to love

When the IT guy comments on my weight, it’s time to address it. I’m warning you, what follows is sappy and self-indulgent. And that doesn’t bother me.

Yes, I lost weight. A lot of it. In a completely safe way and over a legitimate amount of time. No, I’m not done, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy with where I am. Weight is something I’ve struggled with for the last 10 or 11 years. I’m not one of those people who tried every fad diet in the book and bounced back and forth between heavy and thin. I gradually put on quite a bit of weight, and then I gradually took it off. I hit rock bottom in January 2006, when I saw a picture my cousin had taken of me at New Years. I was appalled. Sure, I knew I was overweight, and I’d tried to do something about it in the past, but this was my limit. I was not comfortable in my own body. I had minor health complications that I was concerned would turn into serious health issues. If you know me, you’re probably thinking that I didn’t seem that heavy. But on a 5′ frame with a family history of diabetes, a little weight is cause for concern.

Anyway, I’ve been more or less serious about my weight loss since then, but I’m proud of the fact that even when I wasn’t “on a diet” I was able to maintain, and I haven’t gained anything back. I will always have food issues, but I’m really happy with my body now. I heard or read somewhere that ‘nothing tastes as good as thin feels’ and I have found this to be absolutely true. Of all the things in my life, I am most proud of getting myself from size 12 to size 2. That might sound unhealthy, so let me explain. All the other things I’ve done in my life (graduating college, getting internships, a job, going to London alone, surviving 3 high schools) are things I knew I could do. I knew that sometimes it would be hard, and it would suck, but I had complete confidence that I would make it. Losing weight was different. I was sure I would ever be happy with my weight, or that I could ever lose a significant amount. The confidence I have now is something I never dreamed of having.

Maybe it’s superficial to be so worried about a number on a scale or the size of a pair of jeans, but I don’t care. I am finally done waiting to start my life, done thinking ‘when I lose the weight…’ It’s gone. So now it’s time to think about all the other things I never thought I could do, and start doing them. I hope you’ll come along for the ride.

Best intentions

Happy belated birthday, 2009!

This year I’ve decided to break the cycle of meaningless and sure to fail resolutions in favor of more general goals. These will range in vagueness from ‘be more zen’ to ‘curse less’ and ‘eat less sugar’. But mostly, 2009 is the year I’m going to chill out. Separate myself permanently from my faithful lover: anxiety. Does this mean I’m going to stop paying attention to every bite that goes into my mouth? I’m not a miracle worker, so no. If I can just enhance the good things about me, and put a stop to the bad habits, I figure I’ll come out even at year’s end. In short, I’ve decided to chill out in 2009. Maybe do a few things that might make me a better person.

And to start that out, I’m dog sitting for a friend’s chihuahua this weekend. As it turns out, I am in no way prepared for this task, despite having owned pets in the past. It’s one thing to have your own dog or cat, but to be watching someone else’s is a bit rough. They have all these routines and habits that you’re completely unaware of, yet they expect you to know. Beyond that, I’ve learned that it’s best not to wear hot pink pajama pants while dog sitting, because late night and early morning you won’t want to change into jeans to walk the dog, and you’ll find yourself on a bleary-eyed, hot pink dog walk around the neighborhood where you very well could run into someone you know because even though that never happens it is sure to happen when you don’t want to see anyone.

If I were speaking I would have taken a big breath after that sentence. Instead, I’m going back to my place to nap and maybe do some yoga, because that’s what chill people do. Or so I hope.